Are You A Mama Who Is Having A Hard Time Asking For Help?

Are you a mama who is having a hard time asking for help? If so, you are not alone. Asking for help can be challenging or uncomfortable, especially when you are a mama who has been used to doing everything on your own.

Asking for help is no small feat. It is something that, if you are not used to doing, needs to be honoured and it is important that there is a formula to asking for help and receiving help in a way that is mutually beneficial to both you and the person supporting you.

Here are 5 helpful tips for mamas to ask for help:

1. - Accept that asking for help can be challenging or uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and it’s okay to be honest about the fact that you are struggling. Don’t be ashamed of needing help.

One of the 6 fundamental needs of being human is being connected. It is part of who we are as a species, and as such, we were never designed to do everything on our own. We need to be supported by others for various reasons through our life. Sometimes it is because we are unable to physically, mentally, emotionally or energetically meet our own needs. Sometimes it is because we are inexperienced and turn to others who have had experience to support us. Sometimes it is because tasks or experiences are too big for one person to manage on their own for long periods of time.

In times gone by we have been conditioned to believe that doing everything on our own is not only expected, but you are weak or inadequate if you cannot. This is the complete opposite of the truth. There is great strength in asking for help and support and much connection to be gained from allowing others to help you. Giving and receiving is an exchange of energy. It is not fulfilling the flow of universal energy to only give. Receiving is what allows the giver to give. If you have struggled with asking for help, then maybe it could make asking a little easier by knowing that when you ask for help, you are giving others the opportunity to share, support and nurture you. People love to help others.

Feeling uncomfortable about asking for help is normal and natural. These feelings will not magically disappear. You will have to exercise this muscle regularly to strengthen it.  The more you practice asking for help the easier it will become.

2. - Find the best person to ask. It’s important to identify who is best suited to help you. Are you asking for help with a specific task or do you need a listening ear? Knowing who to ask can make a big difference.

This can be a little tricky sometimes, as not everyone has a long list of people to choose from, or maybe the list contains the type of people who may not be able to offer help in a way that is actually helping you.

There is a formula to finding the best person to ask for help from. It is important for you to consider the following when choosing a person to ask:

• Do they have the capacity to help?
• Do they have the resources to help?
• Do they enjoy or are they confident with what you are asking them to help you with?
• Have they offered to help you previously?
• How many times have you ask for help from this person?
• How many times has this person offered to help you and you have declined?

It is really important for you to not assume anything.  You can’t pre-suppose to know what someone else is either willing or unwilling to help you with.  If you allow your assumptions to influence you too much you may find that you are excluding people who are more than happy to be asked for help.

It is all too common that people want to help, but are respecting your boundaries and are waiting to be asked.  This can be challenging for the people who care about you, as they would love to help and support you, but they don’t want to interfere.

It is important to have open, honest and respectful communication with people when both offering to help or seeking support.  And this leads on to point number 3 below.

3. - Be specific and direct in what you are asking for. This will help the person to better understand your needs and determine how they can best help you.

If you are vague and indirect, your request for help may not be heard by the person you are asking.

It is important for you to make assertive requests, which is a 2-step process.

Step 1. Ask for what you want in a specific and direct way.

Example: “I am really finding it difficult to get things done this week.  I was wondering if you would be able to help me by doing (X – fill in the blank)?”

Do your best to avoid any pre-amble or justification of why you are struggling.  You do NOT need to justify yourself or why you are asking for help, beyond saying that you are finding it difficult to get X done and you would really appreciate some help to achieve that task.

Step 2. Be prepared to have a conversation that involves some negotiation allowing for both of you to be satisfied with what help is required and how that help is going to be given.

The person you are asking may respond by saying “Absolutely, consider it done!”.  

OR they may say something like “Yes, I can do that for you, however I need to negotiate the time frame on when I can do it so that it fits with my schedule.”

For as much as you are asking for help from someone, it is also important for you to receive help in a way that is conducive to your boundaries.  It is no good asking for help from someone who steam-rolls you and wants to do it all “their” way with out finding out what you need, how you would like it and what is acceptable to you. 

If you do not have assertive discussions when asking for help you may find that instead of relieving you of stress, burnout or overwhelm, you are contributing to it.  This leads into point 4 below.

4. - Effectively communicate your boundaries for help. This can be tricky because you don’t want to be too demanding or controlling. However, it’s important to let the person know what you are comfortable with and what you are not.

You can communicate kindly and compassionately with others when articulating your boundaries.

In essence boundaries are the structures you require to feel safe, secure, respected, individual and cared for in a relationship.

Identifying what your boundaries are can be a little tricky at first, especially if you are used to not having many, or any.  Simply put, any time you have felt disrespected, undervalued or insignificant are indicators that in some way someone is (often unconsciously) unaware of what they are doing or how it is impacting on you and you haven’t spoken up or been clear about what is O.K with you and what is not.

An example of a boundary could be:

“I really need some help getting on top of my laundry.  Would you be able to help me for 1 hour on either Monday or Thursday?”

This is clear with what you are asking, how much time you are asking for and when it is suitable for you to receive this help.

OR

“I am finding it difficult to get out of the house this week.  I really need some bread, milk and shampoo.  Would you be willing to stop past the store some time in the next day or two and drop it over?”

Again, specific about what your challenge is, what you need and when you need it by.

If the person is willing to help you but can’t fulfill these requirements then you can discuss what flexibility you both have and come up with a solution or you may discover that they can’t help you, in which case, you both know up front and maybe they can help you next time.

5. - Be willing to receive help in the way the person is able to give you the help you are asking for.  We all like things done in a certain way.  Sometimes it is important to have specific requirements with how this help is delivered and sometimes we need to let go a little and be flexible.  No one is going to do things exactly the same as you do them. 

So, when you ask for help you need to be willing to let go of the reigns a little and let people do what they know how to do the best way they can.  You never know, you might be pleasantly surprised with how good it feels to let go of rules and regulations for a moment or two and just let someone do something nice for you because they love and care about you. 

Asking for help can be difficult, but these tips can help make the process a little easier. Remember, you are not alone and it’s okay to reach out for help.