Being a Mama Feels Hard, Because It Is Hard…
Being a Mama Feels Hard, Because It Is Hard…
It may not have been “acceptable” to say it out loud in the past, but 2022 has proven to be the wild west of all things unacceptable, so here goes…
“Being a mama can feel so darn hard, because it is hard!”
There I said it! And don’t it feel good to say that out loud…
We live in a world where women have been groomed to believe that they can have it all, be it all and do it all – all at once and mostly unsupported, and if they can’t or don’t, there is something wrong with them.
Well, let me tell you what a load of crock and bull disaster that is!
No one can’t truly tell you how difficult and life shattering it is going to be when you become a mama. Yes, they share their stories of trauma and triumph with you, but when it comes down to it, it is an intellectual understanding of someone else’s experience that you can’t possibly relate to, until it has happened to you.
The excitement of becoming a mama and the wild ride that is swollen ankles, bellies and morning sickness, through the wonderous and terrifying experience of delivery into the deep abys of the unknown of sleepless nights, spews, poos, leaking boobs or endless bottle feeds…and that is just the beginning.
Sleep deprivation is used as torture and the endless weeks, months and years of not getting a full night sleep is debilitating, but somehow through all of you are so madly in love with your beautiful child and the family you have created you muddle through and soldier on.
In this short blog article, I aim to honour the journey of mama-hood from both sides. To honour the wonder and magic of the creation of life and how amazing your kiddlettes are and the dark and shadowy places that out-of-control hormones, sleepless nights, limited support, shit-tones of jobs and chores to get done and just how darn exhausting and hard all of this can be.
Here is a short list of some of the most common aspects of being a mama that makes it so hard, just so you know that you are not alone with how you feel.
1. Dealing with the roller coaster ride of emotions
As if it isn’t enough that your body produces roughly ten additional hormones specifically for pregnancy, you then get thrust into feeling sick, tired, fear of the unknown, AND then you can’t sleep, have to keep functioning normally and have no idea of what you are doing day in and day out. Let me validate you now, it is completely normal to feel exhausted and somewhat ripped off.
2. Judgement & Justification
Yup, everyone has an opinion…friends, family, co-workers, community, culture, society and to top it off, even the so-called experts contradict each other in there “How to” books. It can be a very slippery slope when you begin to buy into the expectation that you will justify your actions for and be met with judgement. My advice, if you care to hear it…do what works for you and your family and become a little more like Teflon and let the judgement of others slip right off.
3. The constant good enough struggle
Mama, you are enough – you were conceived enough, born enough and are enough. There is nothing you need to do, be or have to qualify to become enough. It is a given. It is your birth right. Just as it is the birth right of your children. There is never a day, when your child will ever become lacking and inadequate, and neither was there a day for you.
4. Lack of support
We were never designed to have children in isolation. We need a village to raise our children, and yet we muddle through somehow doing the best we can, on our own. Some women have amazingly supportive spouses, extended family and friends, and others do not. But for the most part mama-hood is a lonely path that requires women to dig deep and re-birth themselves many times over.
5. The endless tiredness
You’re eyes are burning, your head is foggy and your energy levels are so low you don’t know if you can make it to dinner time before you need to crash and burn for the day. There is no one way, or one definite solution to solving the exhaustion and tiredness as a mama. It ends when it ends and some days, weeks or moths are better than others. But just know, it is completely normal. Do your best to priorities, do what you can, ask for help when you need and rest when you need to rest. Lord knows the whole ship goes down when the mama-ship crashes.
Now, in light of all the doom and gloom you have just read about why being a mama can be hard…here are 10 tips to help you find your groove as a mama and make it easier for you.
1. Let go of expectations of how things “should” be
If the dishwasher doesn’t get unstacked today then so be it. If your meals are boring and uninteresting so be it. If your pile of laundry that needs folding is getting bigger than Mt Everest then so be it. Yes, we all like to have order and routine in our homes, but the truth is there is no order and routine when you have to do it all by yourself AND keep little people alive and run a home. You do what you can, when you can, how you can and that is enough.
2. Rest when you can
No matter how small or big your children get it is always going to be important to rest when you can. When your children are small they are oblivious to “adult responsibilities” and as your children grow you can begin to engage them with helping with the house-hold chores. No matter what stage you are at as a mama, it is important for you to listen to your needs and rest when you feel that you need to.
3. Give yourself permission to be both a work of art and a work in progress
You do not have to be the epitome of perfection! Bahaha…what is that anyway?
You are in a human body, having a human experience and human’s make mistakes, are messy and vulnerable creatures and there is complete perfection in all the imperfection. You do not have to be any one other than who you are right now in this moment and that is enough.
4. Have compassion for yourself
In a world that is so fast paced, relentless and at times cruel be the change you want to see. Talk kindly to yourself. As yourself better questions and you will get better answers. Support and encourage yourself in times of weakness and in times of triumph. Become aware of your inner dialogue and take steps to speak to yourself in kind and compassionate ways, just like you would with your own child who was experiencing fear, challenge or overwhelm. You deserve it.
5. Make time for you and what is important to you
It could be as simple as having a shower with the children on the other side of the door and making sure the door is locked OR taking a poop with the door closed!
It could be asking your spouse to watch the kids after dinner, while you have a walk around the block. It could be standing on the grass with bare feet and allowing the energy of the earth to re-charge you OR it could be all those other self-care suggestions that require planning, time and money…no matter what it is that is important to you make the time for it to happen. You can not give from an empty cup and the fuller your cup is the more everyone benefits.
So mama, it feels hard because it is hard. And it will continue to feel hard until it doesn’t. It is hard to let go and be in the moment and meet your need from that place, but it is harder to not meet your needs at all. Try it both ways and see how you prefer it, what works and what doesn’t. This is your experience to indulge in and make it happen for you in a way that works for you.
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