You Are Not Who You Used To Be

You Are Not Who You Used To Be

Aint that the truth! What happened to that passion driven, out-going, young woman you used to be that wouldn’t take no for an answer and did it her way?

Well, in short, through the journey that is mama-hood, she was shattered in to a million pieces, strewn across the cosmos, landed completely fragmented and displaced, and now you are left to pick up the scattered pieces bit-by-bit as you happen to stumble across them and attempt to put her back together… You will never go back together the same as you were before becoming a mama. You are forever different now. You have had experiences that have changed your body, mind and soul.

And if I was to be truly truthful with you, it is not about putting yourself back together the same as you were before you became a mama. That is impossible. It is about recognising who you are through your experiences and consciously choosing to embrace the experiences that have shaped you so you can take the gems of wisdom and leave behind everything else.

A beautiful analogy for becoming a mama is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery, Kintsugi, by mending the broken pieces with gold. The idea behind this is that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.

Becoming a mama is like smashing a beautiful piece of pottery into a thousand pieces and then the journey of re-birthing yourself as a woman through the experiences that mamahood bring you is the golden glue that strengthens you and adds something amazing, something new.

You will never be able to go back to being who you used to be before you were a mama. You have re-birthed yourself; you have added parts and pieces and you may have let go of some as well. Although, it may be scary re-birthing yourself as a woman through the journey of mama-hood, it is also powerful and rewarding when you are able to do it consciously. This may feel like a scary and overwhelming concept, but it is far less scary than the alternative of losing the essence of you in a sea of making everyone and everything else more important than you.

So much of your identity as a woman is wrapped up in being a mama, spouse, daughter and friend. Peeling away the layers of your identity allows you to connect and reveal the woman who has been waiting in the wings, or most likely under that endless pile of laundry that needs sorting and folding.

Maybe there has never been a time in your life that you have known who you are. Maybe you have not been able to separate yourself from all the expectations, judgements and labels that we are given from birth…and just know that you are not alone there…

Now more than ever it is important for you to honour and embrace the parts and pieces of you before you became a mama and to find a way to invite the useful aspects of her into your life and let go of the rest.

“You get to re-birth yourself as you grow through being a mama.”

Let’s face it…birth isn’t easy or glamorous. It is a wild ride of fear, uncertainty, pain, grit and determination that is laced with this expectation that something wonderful is coming into your life. Physically giving birth to that baby is only one part of the birthing process. As you shed the layers of who and what you no longer are, you make way for discovering who you can become amongst all of this. And that ain’t easy. This re-birthing of yourself is deeply personal, unfamiliar, unknown, confronting and downright scary at times.

As you grow into being a mama you may, or may not come to a place of acceptance for the loss of who you once were. But how many women are able to shift their focus from the past and what they feel they have lost, to what they have gained, who they have become and the choices they can make about who they want to be today?

It is true, you will never be the person you were before you were a mama, you have grown so much since then. But…who you were before you were a mama does not have to be completely lost and forgotten, never to return again. That past version of yourself has strengths and qualities that are beautiful and inspiring and these strengths and qualities are very much needed in your life right now.

 how you are now, compared to how you were then, take some time to consciously choose who you want to be and clear a path to become the woman your heart desires you to be.

Yes, life is hectic. Yes, being a mama is full on and demanding. Yes, sometimes you are just treading water, trying to keep afloat. Just know that if you keep doing the same ol’ same, you will keep getting the same ol’ same. You can make room for you in all of this. You can take some time to find out who you are under all the piles of laundry and endless dishes…

Take a little time to reacquaint yourself with that version of you before you became a mama and find out what her strengths were, the parts you love and miss. Then ask yourself some questions about how you can bring these qualities into your day-to-day life now as a mama.

Try reflecting on these key questions:

• What qualities and strengths do I love about who I was before I became a mama?
• How could these qualities and strengths be helpful for me now?
•  What do I need to be able to bring these qualities and strengths into my day-to-day life?
•  What could I do to bring these qualities and strengths into my day-to-day life as a woman and a mama now?
•  How could my life change as woman and a mama by bringing these qualities into my day-to-day life now?

You may not know the answer to some (or all) of these questions right now, but when you take a little time to reflect on what it is that you miss about who you used to be and how you could bring those qualities and strengths into your life now, as a mama the answers will become clear – you just need to consciously take time to allow the answers to come.

Who you used to be before children, does not completely die. She just becomes fragmented, like the pottery and then the magic comes through using the golden glue to fill in the gaps and create something new, something even stronger, something even more beautiful. The woman you were before you were a mama can most definitely come with you and be a part of who you are today, you just need to allow a little time and space to honour and integrate her into who you want to become now.

Nothing stays the same for ever, there is only growth or death. And with each new growth phase of your life, it is as though there is the experience of death also. A letting go, an ending of what used to be and how it was so that you can make room for who you want to be and how I can be now.

 

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